I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. -Garrison Keillor

I've been fooling myself. All Summer I spent my time thinking about Brooke or hoping Brooke was thinking about me. I didn't want to be like this. A couple months ago I didn't want to be with Brooke. Not after that tape surfaced. But, a yearbook signature and some token Brooke Davis charm changed my mind. Now, all I can see is that was a waste.

It's not so much about the virginity. That would have been lost either way. And it was definitely not my special gift. I mean, I didn't even join Clean Teens for the right reasons. But, Brooke has spent her entire summer in L.A. Fun in the sun and all that. Yes, it's true that I visited once. And that one time was definitely worth it. Never mind my time never being spent outside of her bedroom except for one dinner with Peyton, when even then we snuck away before dessert and returned not long after that. But, then I left.

I was back in Tree Hill and she was still in Los Angeles without me.

And she'll be back in a few days. For three days. And then she's gone. She's at college. And I'm at college. And yeah, as much fun as dirty text messaging can be - it's just a lot...without her and basically a lot is not a lot. It's hardly anything really.

Oh, I also left out one very dirty phone call.

Other then that, zilch. Absolute zilch and I just have been pretending things have been okay here. And yeah, life wise they have but romantically...

Are Brooke and I going anywhere - at all? How can I be sure?

I've just been living my Summer with blinders on, dirty text message blinders. The truth is I don't know what we're going to do when she returns home.

Apparently vampires have no souls. And humans do. I have a soul. Brooke has a soul. It just makes sense. To some people. What is a soul anyway? Some floating substance inside us that just sits there and makes us good? I like to think our decisions and choices are what make us good - or evil - which I'm not by the way. I may not be clean anymore but I'm still playing for team donoharm. Weird name for a team, huh?

Harm is done daily. Listen to that sentence. Now check it grammatically - and fathom. I know, you can't. But, yeah, harm is everywhere. But apparently, people with souls can do harm but not maliciously or if they do it for some unlawful reason then they have no soul.

Why do we need souls, really? I mean, REALLY? What is a soul good for? I have Brooke. She's my soul, so to speak. Maybe. I don't know. I'm not usually indecisive but a soul just confuses me. I stopped being a clean teen. And I lost my virginity. Do I have a soul?

Do I even need a soul?

Does Lucas and Nathan's father have a soul. Brooke told me he killed his brother. Is Dan soulless? Is he remorseful? Does it even matter? There ary of things to worry about other then he has a soul or she doesn't...like, he murdered my uncle. She almost died. She's coming back in a few weeks. Those kind of things.

A soul just fogs everything up.

I Believe (When I Fall In Love It Will Be Forever) by Stevie Wonder

Chase thought his first time would have been in a bedroom, with Stevie Wonder or Barry White coming from his speakers, with candles lit around the room and Brooke in his bed with him. He never thought his first time would be in a car, with the radio going in the front yard of a graduation party. Really, he wasn't complaining. It didn't seem very romantic to him and yeah, at heart, he was basically a romantic. But as far as he was concerned he was ready. One more dirty text message and he would have gone over the edge.

Hey, he's only human.

Except, afterwards he isn't thinking about how long it lasted (not very) or how much clothing he was wearing afterwards (not any) or how much cover they had (not much)...he was just thinking about how beautiful Brooke Davis looked by firelight and how cheesy he must have sounded when he told her to "be gentle with him".

Despite the quickie in the car and the fact that he let her see the people she needed to see earlier that night and the fact that she was leaving in the morning he knew, somehow, that Brooke was the one. He didn't voice it. He didn't have to. It was only a week ago when they were exchanging "I love you for it's" which he would admit was unconventional but nothing about their relationship had been conventional so car sex was most likely inevitable.

She was leaving for the Summer, accompanying Peyton with her summer internship. He worried, he did, about not seeing her. And they were going to separate colleges. But that didn't matter. They had their dirty text messages and their meaningful conversations. Yeah, somehow, he knew they would last.

When he falls in love, it will be forever.

You have a book of matches and the freedom to burn anything you want to the ground. What do you choose and why?

I threw them away last week, the day Brooke and I officially got back together, but I'd burn my Clean Teens t-shirts. There was a time in my life when I wanted to be unattractive to the opposite sex. I hadn't had a great experience and my best friend had an even worse one. So, I thought by joining the Clean Teens I would avoid having to deal with woman. Girls wouldn't be attracted to a Clean Teen, virgin for life (or until marriage). I always had a problem with that saying but I never said anything. Anyway, the plan worked...for a while. Until a catburgaling Brooke Davis (I found this out later of course) faked joining the Clean Teens and set her sights on me. She tutored me for a while in Calculus until I found out she had been failing it. A class assignment brought us closer together, however and we were fine. Under the condition that she didn't lie anymore. Except, another secret came out. Her friend Peyton's ex had slept with her while going out with Peyton and the sex tape was shown to an entire party. It was kind of the last straw for me.

It was a stupid decision. I had just dealt with liars at my old school, I didn't want to deal with them at Tree Hill High. I had broken up with her and all I wanted to do was be with her. I started to hate being a Clean Teen. I hated the hypocrisy of it all. Especially, since our president had just had sex with Mouth at that same party. That went around quickly. I left, I threw every Clean Teen shirt away and nothing happened. I didn't think I was going to get struck by lightning or anything but I thought there'd be some consequence. There wasn't. I shirked my Clean Teen skin and I was okay. Brooke and I got back together after exchanging yearbooks. Flirtation went into overdrive and a lot of dirty text messages were exchanged. And then two weeks after graduation Brooke and I had sex. And it was a great 60 seconds, all jokes aside.

I never really was a Clean Teen. Not a real one anyway. So, if you gave me a book of matches I'd burn every one of my Clean Teen t-shirts ... because I'm not a Clean Teen, and I'm proud of that fact.